the answers to these questions and other mysteries of the universe we might never know, but you know what i do know? that i’m having a spring sale on my remaining travel sessions and that you should book within the next few days if you wanna get in on it (you might be asking yourself how in the world did those two things tie together, and the answer is they didn’t, but sometimes non existant transitions are the best kind).

you can see details and dates for the travel session sale  by clicking right here  . then email me to book a spot! photography.yan@gmail.com

cities i still have a very few remaining spots for are:

denver

portland

dallas

tampa

vancouver (CANADA!!!!)

montreal (CANADA!!!)
if you like this session and are thinking, “aww man, i wish yan would come to my city…” well i might be. again check out the remaining cities i’ll be visiting this year and get in on my spring sale by clicking here.

it just won’t stop hurting.

i don’t think it ever can. and i’ve learned not to expect it to.

this morning we shared breakfast, as a family. cracker barrel is our saturday tradition. we go for the pancakes and the tiny individual bottles of syrup that the kids can handle on their own if they want to. it makes them feel big.

“this is what it used to be like,” i think to myself. sticky fingers, forks accidentally clattering  to the floor, both of us smiling over shiloh, our youngest’s,  healthy appetite and way with words.  this is the feeling of my family. except we’re not a family anymore. not a mom and dad in love spinning our love web over three fiercly adored, though often tiresome little ones. we are a mom and dad apart. nursing wounds we left with one another, while attempting to smile. doing our best to put the kids first, to make them feel that little has changed. that they did nothing wrong, and that though the balance has shifted, no love was lost.

except it was.

no matter how grateful i am that it was “amicable.”

no matter how lucky i am to actually have an ex husband i don’t argue or power struggle with (and believe me i know i am so blessed!).

the fact remains that our  love has been lost. and i don’t care what the context was, death of love is an immense tragedy.  one that  will leave a hole forever the same way a star leaves blackness when it burns out.

speaking of context. let me be clear on something-

i chose this divorce. it wasn’t something he wanted. it was me. i assessed the situation, i looked at my mashed up heart to see how much life she had left, and in the end, decided it would be better for me to do the final breaking.

“say whhhaaaaaaa?” you’re thinking…. i know.

“then why is she so sad?!”  and,  ”how can she possibly  complain?”

the best way i can explain, though it will be oversimplified, is that my choice was based on survival. i could stay in the trap i was caught in (one i created for myself, i don’t want to put any blame on him), waiting for death to slowly but surely arrive. or i could gnaw off my leg, and accept the pain and loss sure to accompany the rest of my life. i chose the latter, because it meant that i could live.

beyond the pain of loss, the guilt cuts deepest. hurting someone i spent 8 years protecting. the person i promised never to hurt, who didn’t sign up for it, ask for it, or in the end deserve it one bit. from his point of view, the unfairness of the situation is astounding. but then again, unfair is often the way things are in life.  and i cannot defend or disagree, i can only apologize, as i messily try to manage the endless strains of hurt.

then of course the mourning i do for my children. no matter how much i wanted to give it to them, they are never going to get a mom and a dad holding hands on a family vacation to disneyland. period.

sigh.

my choice makes it clear i’m not of the mindset that one should suffer through marriage for the sake of one’s children. but the excruciating moments in which i question myself are often. like when i was alone on christmas day, watching les miserables in the theater, sobbing as fantine gives up not just her dignity but her life for the sake of her daughter cosette, and i wondered how i can possibly justify my “selfish,” choice against one of the most beautiful themes in all of humanity. the sacrificial element present in love.

shrug.

i can’t really. i can’t make sense of it all. i can only know what i know and do what my gut tells me its gonna take to survive.

time will deaden the potency of my feelings and weaken my memories. it will be called healing,  and i will have knowledge i couldn’t have gained in any other way.

despite alllll of that; my pain, my guilt and doubt, my bouts of emptiness and despair, the final fact remains:

i feel hope for life again, and so i would not take it back.

spring is coming. the sun is out a little more these days. its warmth soaks into me in places that were impenetrable before. and i believe in love more than i ever have.

if you’ve paid attention to my blog for a millisecond, you’ll know that  nothing speaks to my heart as strongly, or makes me want to pick up my camera more, than the beauty that is two people committing to one another, and then committing to build a life together. i pride myself on photographing the rawness of that connection– the quiet daily moments, that strengthen and reinforce that choice. family. relationships. the ties that mean more than any others. and so i’m learning to sit and make peace with the bumps and turns my own family has taken, always with respect, always with wonder.

 thanks for listening.

so i have some exciting things on the horizon in preparation for my get back workshop. lets just say this next chunk of time in good old yan world is going to be crammed full with me doing everything i can to make the workshop an exceptional experience.

i’m learning quickly that part of putting on a successful workshop, you know, the kind where bunches of awesome people sign up, is pimping it out like a mofo.

not.

my.

strong point.

i mean, sure, i might like myself a whole lot (wink wink), but i’ve never felt the need to convince everyone else that they should love me too!  i probably have enough self love to go around. that being said,  i still don’t need you to like me.  but i do need you to believe i can help you. there are so many workshops and so many promises floating around in this industry. i don’t make them lightly. but if there is something i know i’m good at, its inspiring and teaching others, by helping them get in touch with their OWN unique strengths. and that’s what the get BACK workshop is all about.   but don’t take my word for it…(insert reading rainbow clip)”

here are some words from some awesome photogs i have had the chance to work with mentoring in the past little bit.  ideally you’ll ready what they have to say, then want to run right over here and click on the sign up button for get back.

“what can i tell you about my experience mentoring with yan?

it has been life changing.

i know that is a big call to make but it is true.

my photography journey began three years ago and i currently shoot for myself, family and friends. six months ago i fell head over heels in love with shooting film. so there i was with a  raging passion for film burning in my belly and a desire to want to know more.

to be more.

to become a better artist.

for the first time i realised i wanted to have clients.

but i didn’t know how.

i felt like i had been sitting on a fence with my photography for so long i was unable to jump off and cross to the other side.

i was paralysed by my fears and what if’s. i was stagnant, unable to move foward and i was  blocked to seeing my full potential.

after mentoring with yan i feel like a light has been turned on in a very dark room.

my mind has become clearer, now i know the changes i have to undergo and how to do it.

she has guided me in finding my essence.

i have no doubt that everything i have learnt from yan will be the foundations of which i will build my future photography upon.

yan is a true artist and will give you every bit of her amazing being.”

-toni raper of maeve photography

“my mentoring session with yan was one of the best decisions i’ve made in the two years i’ve been in business. the suggestions and tips she shared with me have already made a huge impact in helping me define my style and the direction i want my business to go. her honest critique and openness about how she creates the magic that she does made the session so worthwhile and so fun. yan is a woman who knows her stuff and is willing and able to share her knowledge in a way that makes complete sense. i thought i was the one making the investment when i signed up for the mentoring session, but i ended the session feeling like yan was the one who invested in me and for that i will be forever grateful.”

-megan hartley photography

“my mentoring session with yan took me from frustrated and overwhelmed to energized and excited about my photography business. i’ve been a long-time photography hobbyist, but getting an honest-to-goodness profitable business off the ground has been a daunting task. but after meeting with yan, i have a renewed hope that i can do it! yan was encouraging and so honest. she helped me see things about my work that i hadn’t noticed before and suggested practical changes that have made all the difference in my photos. this is hands-done the best investment i’ve made for my business. “

-b. kyle photography

“i had my mentoring session with yan just a few hours after she published her “sick of it” post. i’ll admit, i was a little nervous that my mentoring session was taking place just after this was published, but all my worries were completely forgotten the moment that i saw yan’s smiling face.  four hours completely flew by. my mentoring session with yan was one of the best investments i’ve made for my photography.  not only did i learn so much, but i had so much fun! though we’ve only met on skype, i could still feel her warmth and kindness.  i really can’t say enough about my mentoring session with yan.  i’m so glad that i had the opportunity to be mentored by yan.  she is such a wealth of information and is one of the kindest, most genuine people i’ve had the pleasure of “meeting.” ‘

-stephanie mballo photography

today the winners were announced, hooray! but that meant there were also losers. boooooo

and it didn’t seem like enough to just type thanks for your entries. so i swallowed my pride and sat down with tense shoulders to make a lil somethin’ awkwardish/videoish of my own.

also, feel free to skip me and just watch the videos of the winners!

xoxoxo

yan

p.s. i made the choice on the winners the same way i make all my choices– i followed my heart and my gut and tried to pick two lovely people who i felt like would most benefit from the experience. and don’t think for a second it was easy. it weren’t.

Me:

Dallas winner Ellie Berry:

for diana’s workshop! from ellie be photo on Vimeo.

Byron Bay winner Michelle Sokolich

Yan workshop competition from Memento on Vimeo.

the lab you choose to process your film.

your lab is in essence your post production team. they save you time by not only developing your  film, but taking those film negatives, and scanning  them into their digital form (dig, you know, the stuff you see on my blog? and the files i hand off to my clients) . when a lab scans your film into digital files, they are making very particular judgement calls on white balance, contrast, brightness, exposure, etc…

so basically  all those important visual things  we photographers freak out about when it comes to our images–is a call  you have to be able to trust your lab to make. if they do their job well, they should save you hours of photoshop/lightroom time. if they do a baaad job, you’re kinda up a creek.

allllll of the above begs the question,

yan, what lab do you use?

for a while i didn’t have a straight answer. i was a bounce around shooter. trying this lab or that. getting good results one time, mixed the next, fussing with my “film look,” as i tried to make it uniqe– pulling out my hair because i couldn’t hone in the “just right,” i was searching for.

finally, the last lab on my list to try, as it was one of the newest to the scene, ended up being  my salvation.

indie film lab

why?

first let me tell you in my endless experimenting the things i realized i needed in a lab.

1. good customer service– you have to have open communication with your lab in order to achieve the exact film look you’re going for. the guys at indy, in particular my main man josh responded to any concerns i had immediately, and would go above and beyond to check back in with me to make sure i was satisfied after the fact.

2. frontier scanners — labs these days are typically using two kinds of scanners: the noritsu and the frontier- some will disagree with me, but to my eye they each have their certain look, and color palette. i happen to prefer that of the frontier, but this is an older and more time costly machine. not every lab uses them. indie does though! bless them.

3. turn around time reliablity — with film shooting getting more popular every day, labs in the last year seem to have found themselves overwhelmed with a surplus of clients they weren’t sure how to accomodate. with growing business this happens, so please don’t take what i say next as a diss to any lab out there. but. as a business owner, this posed a huge problem for me because i would be told by a given lab to expect my scans in xxx amount of time, which i would then turn around and tell my clients. then that time would come and go and not only did i not have scans in my inbox to download, i also didn’t have an email telling me when to expect them. as you might guess this put me in a terrible position with my client homies! my lab wasn’t communicating with me and i couldn’t communicate with them! with indie  i never have to worry about that. i get my scans when they say, or if there is a hiccup, and this is real life so yes, sometimes that happens– they TALK to me about it. i appreciate that so much.

4. general quality of scan. i’m talking color, density, dynamic range, etc at indie film lab there is a person i know and TRUST making these calls for me. you and i both know it takes a trained eye to make these decisions. further, not any joe schmoe off the street, not only knows color, but knows it well enough  to be able to cater to the whims of different photographers. the staff at indie is TALENTEd. they KNOW the idiosycraies of the rainbow, if you know what i’m saying. their scans are beautiful and you can see in the shots i have below–

5. variety of scan sizes. this is going to be a wee bit too techinical for me to go into. but film shooters, lets just say indie has options, which allows them to be more affordable than some other labs out there.

bottom line:

i’m officially an indie girl. they have my business for the long haul, and i want to shout to the world that you should use them too. but don’t take my word for it, (reading rainbow reference)…….

i wanted to share one of my most beloved family sessions of the last year (honestly i have so many lovely ones to show, but this one is special because) –

brooke doesn’t remember but i met her a few years ago at wppi when she was manning her and her husband’s genius creation, the smilebooth. she was pregnant at the time and so was i and even though i felt uncool and shy i struck up a convo on the subject, making sure to compliment her gutsy rad super cute short hair. she was so kind. and normal. which in the wppi cool kid madness was such a refreshing and reassuring relief. i then rushed home to look at her work and quickly obsessed with not only her photography but just her eye and aesthetic—its in everything she does, her branding, her home, the way she dresses, the way she dresses her kids, her coffee cups–and i know all of these things seem material when you think of them as things, but when you do what brooke does and take your inner artist self, and infuse it into the aesthetic of everything around you, it goes way beyond material. its creating a world filled with your soul…

**** DALLAS DATES CHANGED TO JUNE 25-27

look, i’ve been sitting on this since christmas.

biting my nails.

fretting.

the back and forth–do i want to be judged for this? do i want go through the stress and worry about whether or not anyone signs up? do i want to take on the responsibility of MAKING ABSOLUTE DAMN SURE my attendees walk away from a workshop with me better and more enlightened than before they came? because that is an aspect to this whole workshop schpeal i take extremely, extremely seriously. i don’t want your money if i can’t give you an extraordinary service in return.

and in the end i reached the same conclusion i usually reach in all aspects of my life:

eff it.

juuuust. stop worrying yan. because you know why?

i LOVE to teach. i LOVE to try to help others suceed. and furthermore,  i really believe in what i have to say. ha. obviously–but hear me out.

i believe there are no secrets to success or magic pills to be dispensed in this industry. instead, ibelieve there is incredbly unique strength and talent in each of us. and that by being true to THOSE things in spectacular, honest way, success follows. most importantly I happen to be extremely gifted at putting people in touch with THEIR unique strengths and talents. you could say that’s MY unique strength and talent.

and i want to share it with YOU.

so how are we going to do this? the answer is a little differently.

i decided to call this workshop GET BACK.

its about getting back to why you’re doing this whole thing in the first place. its about getting back to you. who you are. as a person. as an artist.

CONTENT DETAILS

1.this workshop starts before it starts. with an online community (facebook group, nothing too fancy), with 1 hour portfolio reviews directly from me, followed by 2 unique assignments for each of you regarding YOUR work and making it better.

2. AT THE 3 DAY WORKSHOP WE WILL cover

-group feedback on the assignments (by this time we will know each other thanks to our online group. hurrah!)

-SHOOT (of course) there will be serveral beautiful organized shoots, including lifestyle families, mother and child, and couples. but the shoots will be approached by each of you with a specific goal in mind  based on the portfolio review you have already done, as well as the feedback you have recieved from your assignments

-film shooting basics. how can we not cover this? film has my heart and it is my medium. however, we  not spend the majority of the workshop on  the subject (ie digital shooters please don’t be afraid to attend)

-strategic portfolio building to grow your business

-my approach to lifestyle shooting in clients’ homes, as well as lifestyle outside of the home

-the Yan method (i am an open book). this will include the rundown of how i run my business, tricks for interacting with clients, what i charge, how i use my equipment, my mind set as i shoot, etc etc. i hope to help you on your journey partly by sharing mine.

-artistic integrity; how to align your business with what you believe in as an artist, and find success.

-life/work/art/self consisency. some people call this BRANDING. i call it figuring out how to mold the best parts of who you are and even the not best parts, into a visually stimulating form and online presence.

-standing out in a saturated market

-attracting clients you really want.

-the beauty of natural light and working with its various forms

-how to give every image you take an x factor

-being a good editor as well as a good photographer

-establishing YOUR online presence

-going back out why you became an artist/photographer in the first place, and developing your strenghts from there

-and so much more. this is a workshop for anyone who wants to grow as a person who wants to make the kind of work that will leave them fulfilled at the end of the day.

count on good food. some evening activities to grow and bond together, hopefully a lot of laughter, maybe even a little tears.

THE DETAILS YOU REALLY WANT TO KNOW FOR LOGIC’S SAKE

LOCATIONS:

BYRON BAY, AUSTRALIA  APRIL 23- 25  (3 DAYS)

Dallas, TEXAS JUNE 25-27  (3 DAYS)

*for each location i am in the process of arranging housing accomodations so that we can all stay in the same place. however you may stay on your own if you prefer

COST: $2250 (includes all 3 days of the workshop, and  2 meals on each of the three days. part of this fee will go toward housing accomodation, however there may be a slight additional fee for housing depending) $1000 is required to hold your seat, with the remainder due one month before the workshop.

i will be pouring every part of me into this experience to make it worth while. and i have priced it accordingly.

NUMBER OF ATTENDEES: 10-12 at each location

because of the heavy emphasis on focusing on YOUR INDIVIDUAL PATH and YOUR needs, i need to keep the number of attendees small in order to achieve this. and if only three people sign up, by golly we’re going to have such an amazing time.

SIGN UP BY CLICKING HERE:

Select Location

Dallas Byron Bay