marty: (in that trippy place in between sleep and being awake–think heavy breathing)

me:  hey! i just made up another joke, you want to hear it?

marty:  ughhhoo

me: okay. what do you call a panda in a swimming pool?

marty: whaaaaaargggh?

……………….wait for it

me: a panda in a swimming pool! (insane, obnoxious laughter)

martin: (in spite of himself): hahahahahahahahahaha

me: i am totally winning!

martin: winning what? who are you playing against?

me: the panda!

martin: hahahahahahaha

me: see, i win again!

*we both fall asleep smiling

…….

what i love most about marriage is the silly nonsense. the ability to make the lamest joke in the world and be appreciated for it.  then the ability to follow that joke with something that makes absolutely no sense—to anyone but you and him. happy sigh.

what do you love most about marriage?

and speaking of marriage, i’m working on editing this loveliest of lovelies wedding:

so.

much.

odd (odd but it makes you feel amazing, but you kinda know that in the long run it might not mean anything at all, actually)

recognition.

except my recognition was for sucking. ha. how ’bout that. not the way i’d always fantasized about a viral yan post going down, but it is what it is.

and your support?

has been incredible. beyond that. its been miraculous.

yeah i knew this business was hard. but i didn’t know my experience would resonate with so many-i didn’t know, didn’t want to think that so, so many of you were going through the same thing, or worse.

your words and support left me in a literal state of shock. i couldn’t eat yesterday. i couldn’t move from my couch. i couldn’t pay attention to my kids –okay, i probably could have and should have tried harder there to do so, but i’m making a point here—it just felt like every single last bit of me was engrossed in trying to wrap my mind around what was happening. and that meant i had to stay on my couch. glued to my computer.

for like 4 hours.

to me it went like this: i had blogged, i poured my guts out, i clicked post and in the first 3.7 minutes i began to question what i had done. wondered if it was as momentous as it felt, wondered if anyone would ever read it.

and i started to feel silly. and insecure.

but you did read it.

a lot of you did.

and you linked it.

you tweeted it.

*i realize i don’t really need to give you a recap here, but for the sake of flow, let’s keep going*

you reposted it.

and before i knew it i had 200 comments, an overflowing inbox, regards from south africa, hater posts written on the subject, and someone asking me to do a workshop in sweden.

yeah.

all of which made me feel a million times more silly  than i had in those first few minutes when i thought no one might read it at all.

silly and overwhelmingly grateful.

THANK YOU.

i can’t help but feel i should spend the rest of my life saying thank you.

but for now what  it comes down to is the decision i made yesterday. a decision i made before writing that post, before spilling my guts, before all the eyes in the photo world suddenly turned to me–

and its that i want to let people reading this blog know me. whether 5 of you are reading it or 5,000, i want you to come here and find something real. and i guess that means letting you all love me and hate me some too.

i hope you stick around.

lastly, here’s a song i’d like to dedicate from me to you, hot 9 at 9 – call in to your local radio station- style.

please listen. its an old fav of mine and i feel it speaks to all of us who are struggling.

well, i’m done.  this is a one woman operation on up in here ( though uncle marty would like to be acknowledged for all of his behind the scenes contributions and mad second shooting skillz), and imma bout to own it.

its not that i don’t want to sound fancy. and its not that i hate those of you out there who are doing exactly what i just described in the paragraph above. its just that i’m tired. i’m so so so so tired. i’ve always prided myself on being a real person, who engages in real conversation, with other similarly sincere people. and to tell you , to even imply, that i’m sitting pretty over here, raking it in with inquiries, and clients, and money money money, and all things related to success….

would be a

big

fat

lie.

because we, ahem, at yan photography are struggling. and we are waiting for our phone to ring, and we are doing everyhing we can think of to get our name out there in a new market and a new state, and we are still only averaging about one freaking inquiry a week. to which we promptly get the response that we are too expensive.

and you know what i want to tell people? that behind that we is a me. a woman. a mother of three, with a husband in grad school. pinching and compromising to make ends meet. who can’t afford to put her daughters in dance, or piano lessons, or the gosh darn school play which cost $250 (WHAT THE CRAP, RIGHT?!!!). a me who’s bills are piling up so high, she feels overwhelmed and tearful every second of every day.

i want to tell them that i’ve worked hard at this. that i’m good. that i’m different. that i see beauty in the mundane, and can distill delicacy from the clumsy movements of a toddler with the way i wield my lens. i want to yell, look at me! notice me! i’m here, and i’ll be a crazy good time on your wedding day, not to mention provide you with pictures that will make you cry as they remind you over and over again, what is good and real and important in life.

sigh.

but i can’t force anyone to hire me. try as i might, i can’t put their– or should i say, your, money in my pockets. i can’t make you love my art. so i’m doing what i can. i’m creating. and i’m getting real. i’m stripping away all the pre-conceived notions of what success is and what it isn’t. i can show you who i am, because  i’m  here at the bottom and i have nothing to lose. and really, that’s what i should have been showing you all along.

oh yes, this is going to be a fun year.

and one last thing. a request really. if you’ve thought of hiring me but have been holding off. if you want to book a family session but you’re in boise or utah, or somewhere other than Denver, Colorado (where i am right now in case you missed it). if you are getting married, and i’m your dream photographer (hahaha), but you just know i’m out of your budget.

please,

write me. you might be thinner in six months, but your kids are growing up NOW.  we can set up dates and multiple sessions for a boise or utah trip in the srping. we can take a look at your wedding budget and see if its possible to work something out.

because i want to know you, and i want to work with you.

and because,

i’m desperate.

has any photographer written those words online, publicly? EVER? no?  well, its true.  i don’t want to false advertise, i won’t give away the farm just yet. and i’m not going to sell my soul or anything. but i’m at a point where i’m willing to do a ‘lil bending and compromising. not too much, but a little. also, i’m good. really good. and you want to work with me too.

i think.

i hope.

yeah, you do.

are some of you thinking i’m commiting business suicide right now?

yes.

am i?

quite possibly. all i know for sure, though is that i’m getting real and i’m being honest.

so bring it on 2012, bring it on. and seriously?

call me.

Contact Yan

but if you haven’t heard the news yet, let’s make it all official-ish right here, right now:

yan photography is moving to denver, colorado!

people kept seeming surprised, and when they asked with that, “what the?” sort of look on their face about why we are moving. i gave them the ultimately boring answer that we are pursuing a master’s degree in recording arts for martin.

but what i really want  to tell them is that we are chasing dreams. because three years ago we were not in this place. three years ago we were square pegs trying to fit into round holes. we were doing our best to make responsible and practical choices regarding martin’s career, which incidentally happened to exclude the applications of any of martin actual talents. five years ago, i was watching the soul of the person i loved most in the world die a little bit each day. and i wasn’t surviving it well.

so now here we go! off in a direction that make our hearts soar! off to realize the goal good old uncle marty set for himself almost two years ago and has been working toward and sacrificing for ever since (i am so, so proud of him).

is moving good for business?

meh, not so much.

do we have a place to live?

well, not quite yet.

am i scared —- just plain, unsalted, raw emotion scared?

that would be a heck yes.

but its the right thing to do, i know it is.

and in all of this, there is good news for all of you:

we are having some serious good-bye utah blow out sales.

first, simple sessions in the studio. what once was $300, now is $200.

i know, i think i must be crazy, but people, this is your gosh darn last chance and mine too. i’d like to cram y’all in if i possibly can. don’t even get me started on my heart break in saying good-bye to my white walled solace. if you have been putting off booking a session with me in the studio, do not wait any longer,

BECAUSE THIS IS YOUR LAST CHANCE TO BE PHOTOGRAPHED IN THE STUDIO BY ME.

we are taking sessions through the end of july, and possibly the first week of august. exact date of departure is undecided. don’t know what a simple session is? read up on it here. i am going to include some never before seen film images in this post from a past blogged simple session.

second we are bringing back outdoor family sessions and

discounting our print prices and digital collections by 40%. !!!!!

freaking madness. but allow me to include a loving disclaimer: please don’t only hire me because i am now less expensive. pleeease make sure you like the way i do what i do first. that way we can be all be happy. =)

last

we are offering a very limited number of discounted utah weddings.

we have a busy weekend schedule,  but i would like to meet a few more lovely utah brides, before i go! you’re going to have to email me for more details on this one.  if this interests you at all, please email me immediately: photography.yan@gmail.com

final disclaimer:

if you book one of these good-bye utah sale sessions, please know it will be shot 90% with FILM. if that scares you, i understand. keep watching the blog for updated film work, i have 30 rolls from some amazing sessions i shot last week that are coming your way. if the prospect of film excites you, please give me a call. 208.866.9967. we’re going to have a really great time.

all images below: contax 645, fuji 400h in studio.

raise your hand if you’re always resolving to take more pictures of your own kids.

most of the time.

she is lovable and maddening, and all the right makings of genius. and she’s mine (okay, she’s part marty’s too).

p.s. i love film.

becky and i had been talking. we do that a lot. and scheming. we had ideas—really good ones. i had shots, visions, magic just waiting for its chance to happen—

but in the end, there was only a little over 20 minutes minus driving time to pull it off. that afternoon martin had to be somewhere with the car—but becky’s cute pregnant tummy was growing every day and we wanted to get the shoot in before she was “showing.”–should i go, should i stay, a now or never moment, and? i grabbed my contax 645 and headed out the door.

me on the phone: “be ready in pajamas, a v-neck shirt, and ‘i just woke up,’ hair.”

becky: (laughter—becky has the best laugh ever–she should have a permanent position as a studio audience member)

“check.”

me: “can i borrow your light meter?”

becky: “i’ll have it ready.”

10 minutes later, there i was rushing into becky’s house, ripping that light meter out of her hands. we barricaded the kids out of the kitchen. sawyer started crying. loudly.

me: “look serene.”

becky: (serene people don’t talk)

sawyer: waaahhhhhhh!!!!

me: “can we use your bedroom?”

becky: “let’s go.”

we raced upstairs. i checked my watch.

and oh the light.  we only had 10 more minutes, but we had such pretty light.

me: “everybody on the bed!”

the kids were confused, but agreeable.

me: “everybody look here,”

the three wee ones took almost perfect turns looking at me.

becky: (more laughter)

me: “if even one of these turns out, it will be worth it!”

i only had 20 minutes. but i had becky to shoot. i couldn’t ask for a prettier soul. or face, while i’m at it. becky and 3 kids who adore her.

i think it turned out pretty well.

p.s. think emotionally in focus. =)

and missing you all.

what? you don’t think that’s just a little funny? =)

its been 7 weeks since what i’m about to show you happened. seven weeks of nursing in a house with no air conditioning. seven weeks of trying to keep a new human alive despite the enthusiastic affection (read: dangerous attacks) of two very adoring older sisters. seven weeks of feeling what its like for my heart to learn how to love all over again. seven weeks of trying on that one pair of pants, you know the one, every day to see if just maaaaaayyyybe this time….seven weeks of absolutely reveling in my rediscovered ability to sleep on my back and give marty a smashies hug, seven weeks of wondering how i got so lucky.

and most relevantly, seven weeks of avoiding eye contact with my blog.

but i’m back now, a little older with a story to tell. beware, the lead character is quite a charmer. he might even steal your heart, my shiloh.

shiloh’s birth was different than my first two. the difference began with his pregnancy. things we’re a little shaky there at first and the dr. instructed me to not exercise in the same way i did when i was pregnant with the girls. if i was a die hard fitness guru, i may have been more disappointed at this news, but my reaction was more like, “phew, so great to have an excuse! i’m tired and busy and out of energy anyway, thanks doc.” after that, on the surface this pregnancy flew more or less swimmingly along. i enjoyed the comments and i admit, attention i got as i photographed weddings 8 months along. so impressive they thought, so adorable. what they didn’t know was that although on the outside i was a little ray of “really, its no big deal to be so pregnant and working!” sunshine, on the inside i was more stressed and tired than i’d ever been in my entire life.

so much so that i was looking forward to delivery. as a BREAK. two nights and three full days of hospital stay, care and even food? sign me up. i didn’t want to have to work for this birth, i wanted to r-e-l-a-x. and though i know that’s not exactly what a medicated child birth is, it sure seemed better than the effort, enthusiasm and mental preparation that i felt a natural birth would require. after all,  i did have a little bit of experience in this matter as myra and wren’s births were both incredible, natural birth experiences.

and so shiloh’s birth was scheduled, yes scheduled, something i would have fought tooth and nail a few years earlier. martin and i recieved a call from the hospital at 6am on June 14th, saying, “come on in,” as casually as if they were telling us our take out was ready. we took our time. i blow dryed my hair, because you know, photos. we stopped at our favorite place for french toast. we giggled together thinking we’d probably finally meet out baby boy by evening, and wasn’t that great, and no i didn’t have to pretend to be quite as strong this time around.

at the hospital we signed where they told us to sign and waited to meet our man. i hadn’t fully converted to the non natural process, i admit, and was overjoyed when my contractions seemed to take off on their own, meaning there was no need for pitocin. i confess, i was less than confident when the anesthesiologist who looked to be in his last few hours of a 36 hour shift, showed up in our room with a cheerful,”i’m ready to give you your epidural!” looooong before i even mentioned to the nurses that i wanted to go ahead and get one. “next door,” they whispered, as i exchanged worried glances with marty.

then when the pain really set in i anxiously begged for the eager anesthesiologist to return. 45 min later, he did – i closed my eyes and squeezed uncle marty’s hand (i’ve only ever heard about, and never actually want to see the size of that needle). at only 4 cm dialated, and seemingly an eternity to go, i was grateful for the relief, so, so grateful. i did get  a little bit yucked out by how i started to feel numb almost up to my shoulders, and “why couldn’t i wiggle my toes? he said i would be able to wiggle my toes…”

at least i could relax, and i thought i might even take a nap like the nurses told me the woman in the next room was doing as i stood screaming, in un-medicated labor with my first daughter 4 years ago (don’t get me wrong, it was the most amazing experience i’d ever had up to that point, but yeah, ouch). our sweet nurse checked me and i was at a 5. i started to worry my contractions had died, that’s what not being able to feel them tear through your body will do to you. but marty and my mother assured me they were still coming every 2-3 minutes.

our nurse started to look a little concerned, and said something about his heart rate being a little on the slow side and that they wanted to monitor him more closely. they went to do so, and found i was at a 10! good gravy! it had only been 15 minutes since my last check. “honey, that’s what happens when its your third,” the nurse said.

time to push? i thought. what is happening? it was all to calm and serene. all the appropriate people seemed to crowd into the room, giving me the go ahead. i pushed once. “that’s the baby’s head right there,” our dr. said. “are you serious?” i asked. this was soooo different from myra and wren’s births where the pushing ended up being the most intense and painful part and i essentially begged in a not so quiet  (may have been screaming) voice for my sweet babies to please come out immediately. this time the only discomfort i felt was that of being mostly naked in front of so many strangers. the dr. asked martin if he wanted to deliver the baby. martin smiled yes and suited up. i could feel the baby’s head, sort of, but no pain, and waited for them to tell me what to do. push again.  i did so,  3, maybe 4 more times and our baby boy slid out so easily, i felt like i must be imagining it. martin caught him, our dr. gave him a few sturdy pats on the back – before i knew it, sweet shiloh was screaming in my arms.

and then something very rare in yan land happened, i burst into tears. the heavy, heaving kind. you might not believe me when i say i don’t cry a lot, but its true,  i just kind of don’t. i’m constantly trying to convince marty that he’s lucky he didn’t mary one of those emotional types. that being said, i did cry at the birth of the girls, but those tears started out as pain, and became mixed with the intense beauty of the situation in one big, hot, red-faced mess. these tears were different. they were joy, and awe and nothing else. the release of emotion felt purer than anything  i had ever felt, almost as pure as the perfect boy i held in my arms.

with the exception of the first two photographs taken by uncle marty, my sweet mother was the photographer for this event.

thanks mom, i am so grateful for these.

p.s. i forgot to mention the part where my water broke and got all over my dr’s pants and he had to go home and change

p.p.s. i know there are in no way enough pictures of shiloh in this post to satiate your tastes. what can i say, the kid was covered in goo. =) but the next post is his big, perhaps not quite so successful debut as a baby model. warning: may or may not include many pictures of shiloh being smothered by his sisters.