carry on

many of you have guessed by now

-and maybe you’ll find that you’re right.

but to a lot of you, this might come as a shock –

which doesn’t mean you’ve been wrong, necessarily.

so maybe we can all agree that right and wrong in this context, in this post, in this announcement and decision, are mostly unfounded “maybes” and are not necessarily relevant overall–

–and bearing that in mind, it is with a heavy heart i tell you that-

martin, spoken of fondly here as that old lovable uncle marty, my husband, my best friend, the father of my children, the very man in fact, who gave me the nickname yan, and helped me build this business — that very same martin and i

are getting divorced.

i know. to  every reaction i can possibly imagine anyone reading this having — believe me, i know. i think i’ve visited each of those emotions at least twice. shock, sadness, suspicion, reluctance, vindication, relief, guilt, apologetic,  broken–lets just say its not been and won’t be an easy road.

i’ll give you that.

but i probably won’t give you the particulars as to why we are getting divorced- except to say that through tears and long talks and therapy and a separation–we have concluded that in order to heal as whole individuals and parents to our 3 beautiful children– this is the direction we must go–and we wish to do so with the least amount of pain, conflict and disagreement as possible. to us, to our children, to anyone out there.

is it silly that one of our main concerns is that this conclusion we have reached to end our marriage will reflect negatively on marriage as an institution? that someone will read this who has a broken heart, or who is in love but scared to get married–might read this and think, “well if they didn’t make it, what’s the point?”

there is a point. believe me. i didn’t become a wedding photographer just because that was the easiest gig to get when you own a nice camera–i did so because i believed in it, because the kind of love that inspires marriage awes me and edifies me. and i still believe it. — the love that motivates two people to swagger down an aisle or into a temple, church mosque (do people get married in mosques? i may have to do some googling)  to say,” yes yes yes, i want you forever, please,” still leaves me breathless.

i also would like to say that-

martin will remain, the best, purest man i have ever known, with the most angelic eyes, and a nature so gentle, you’d except to see birds, squirrels, and baby deer  gathering round his feet as they simultaneously break into song. he was the most loving, caring husband i could have hoped for, and continues to be a friend and incredible father to our three babies. i considered making this announcement simply a tribute to uncle marty–but decided that overall that might bring about more confusion, rather than alleviate it–

which is exactly what i’m trying to do regarding friends, clients and instagram followers who have been wondering, “what in the gosh darn heck has been going on with yan the last few months?”

now you know.

you know that it has been this  life altering event that has inspired me to start my instagram project #carryondiana. it is a self portrait series that anyone and everyone is invited to join in. the only rules are:

1. that the self portrait be taken with your iphone (or some other smartphone ish device that’s not a pro camera)

2. that the portrait be honest and raw in some way, embracing the vulnerability that is the inevitable companion to opening oneself up in that way

3. posted to intagram with the hashtag #carryondiana

–the purpose is to unite people going through, well life. to lend some support, an encouraging word or two. and to realize that you, er, i mean, we’re, not alone. this started as a form of therapy for me, and thanks to the amazing participants on instagram, has grown into a project unifying many souls all over the map, and giving us all just a little bit more hope. i’m so so grateful for that.

the pictures you see below are all out takes from the project (which exists, again on instagram). most are my own self portraits with a few in there of some others who are very dear to me . please forgive the very self absorbent, “me, me, me,” vibe going on here. i am aware of it, but sometimes to get better, you have to pay a little bit more attention to you. to your soul yelling at you, “hey! look over here! listen to me for just a second!!” that’s all i’m trying to do. warning: some of the images do contain nudity (so don’t look if that makes you feel icky!) though no boobs, butts, or other parts of that nature are revealed.

lastly, the song that inspired the name for the project is Carry on by Fun. you can listen to it here

its a really great motivator to anyone out there with a broken heart. such a great motivator in fact, i’m also going to include the lyrics:

Carry On by Fun:

Well I woke up to the sound of silence
The cars were cutting like knives in a fist fight
And I found you with a bottle of wine
Your head in the curtains
And heart like the fourth of July

You swore and said
We are not
We are not shining stars
This I know
Cause I never said we are

Though I’ve never been through hell like that
I’ve closed enough windows
To know you can never look back

If you’re lost and alone
Or you’re sinking like a stone
Carry on
May your past be the sound
Of your feet upon the ground
Carry on

Carry on, carry on

So I met up with some friends
At the edge of the night
At a bar off 75
And we talked and talked
About how our parents will die
All our neighbours and wives

But I like to think
I can cheat it all
To make up for the times I’ve been cheated on
And it’s nice to know
When I was left for dead
I was found and now I don’t roam these streets
I am not the ghost you want of me

If you’re lost and alone
Or you’re sinking like a stone
Carry on
May your past be the sound

Of your feet upon the ground
Carry on

Woah
My head is on fire
But my legs are fine
Cause after all they are mine
Lay your clothes down on the floor
Close the door
Hold the phone
Show me how
No one’s ever gonna stop us now

Cause we are
We are shining stars
We are invincible
We are who we are
On our darkest day
When we’re miles away
So we’ll come
We will find our way home

If you’re lost and alone
Or you’re sinking like a stone
Carry on
May your past be the sound
Of your feet upon the ground
Carry on

Carry on, carry on