i never wanted kids. the number of times i fantasized about being a mom as a young girl was -2. ladies at church would ask me to “babysit sometime,” and i would smile and nod, then pray they’d never call.
when i found out i was pregnant, 2 days before my 1 year wedding anniversary, i cried. not happy tears. i clung to marty, terrified, and tried not to think about anything at all.
the next day i went on a run. we lived on oahu , and let me just tell you that sweating in hawaii feels like secreting sticky glue from your pores. i ran my normal route to the end of laie point, cursing the hawaii sun because i was so freaking hot. i was so uncomfortable i started to worry. not about myself, about something else. then suddenly a feeling rushed through my chest, shocking me and relieving me all at once.
love.
fierce, crazy love. a desire to do anything and everything to protect my baby. and i know this sounds incredibly dramatic, but the fact is, it was dramatic. the change was so night and day, i could hardly believe it myself. the fear i felt finding out i was pregnant was replaced by love and curiosity. what would it possibly be like to become a mother? it became something i definitely wanted to find out.
when i look at this post–that is waayyyy too long because i suck at editing sometimes—when i look back at the families i photographed in 2011, that is what i think about. how family changes everything even when you don’t want it to. its a miracle and a curse, and its the most beautiful power i’ve ever witnessed. it will always be my favorite thing to photograph.
p.s. can you find the one photo that was actually shot in 2010?
by yan
34 comments